"every step is death, every grave is mother."

“For me, trees have always been the most penetrating preachers. I revere them when they live in tribes and families, in forests and groves. And even more I revere them when they stand alone. They are like lonely persons. Not like hermits who have stolen away out of some weakness, but like great, solitary men, like Beethoven and Nietzsche. "

-Hermann Hesse

-separation from society -embracing society of mind -creative productivity against depression -love of others after love of self through creative expression. -model of self to truly love self.

"A tree says: A kernel is hidden in me, a spark, a thought, I am life from eternal life. The attempt and the risk that the eternal mother took with me is unique, unique the form and veins of my skin, unique the smallest play of leaves in my branches and the smallest scar on my bark. I was made to form and reveal the eternal in my smallest special detail. "
-Hermann Hesse

-thought as internally motivated entropic force.

"A tree says: My strength is trust. I know nothing about my fathers, I know nothing about the thousand children that every year spring out of me. I live out the secret of my seed to the very end, and I care for nothing else. I trust that God is in me. I trust that my labor is holy. Out of this trust I live."

-Hermann Hesse

-illogic of hope/love in entropic environment. .

"When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts. Let God speak within you, and your thoughts will grow silent. You are anxious because your path leads away from mother and home. But every step and every day lead you back again to the mother. Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all."
-Hermann Hesse



"every step is death, every grave is mother"

-Hermann Hesse


1. I've known I've needed to solve the problem of how to model animal motivation since sophomore year of college. Thousands of notebook pages, which have led to this, have been compulsively scribbled in the name of this problem. this, to me, is the deepest philosophical question we have, and I was not going to rest until I figured out how to model it. Now, as I lose faith in our planet's (or solar system's) ability or continued desire to give life, I have a motivator. we need strong intelligence for space-sustainability and we need to at least be able to get tons of people to live comfortably off this planet. otherwise, we have no safety buffer in a highly unpredictable environment-- simply stupid, given our current technological abilities.

2.making fucked up electronic music out of songs that I find beautiful and/or have significance in my life will always be a necessary therapy for me. getting praise for them became a motivating factor, a success feedback signal for my hard work.

I have since created hundreds of my weird little therapeutic songs, which have gotten various amounts of (necessary and helpful for self image) praise from a very nice experimental music forum, soundcloud.com. without this, I'd be a fuckin suicide case, no doubt. and it is this bolstering of self image, this becoming my own god, and being able to decide whole-heartedly whether or not I am dominant in ANY situation, whether deserved or not, which allowed me to figure out my main desire, modeling the powerful animal motivation system. I have given you all the basic info that got me here and I ask you to start while I continue to finish up my hambot model; which I know, now for certain, is mathematically modelable through the java programming language (or any programming language). I have solved the problem of modelling pain and thus the resulting energy logic (illogic). I have figured out the first step toward strong AI-- I am on the way to becoming the only definition of a god that works for me--something which has created something worth dominating-- and that makes me really happy. I don't need people in my life who can't have crazy conversations about this shit. this is the stuff of life and of thought. perhaps my little "social experiment" for the past year or so, has made that clear.

As an avid tree climber, I have earned the right to suggest you take a hint from Hesse and I, that you need to get outside more. get inspiration from nature and all of the little energy-based desire-forming systems like you; and never be afraid to answer the big questions. the answers are all in your head.

I absolutely recommend that you become your own god, but do so in a way that is ethically sound, mindful of our elders, and in pursuit of good creative love. I know I'll be looking.

also-- what I know you're thinking (I hope)--
fuck yeah I'm insecure. I've had esentially no one with whom to talk about this shit, the greatest questions in the world, my passion. no support. this whole "social experiment" bullshit was just an excuse to tell everyone in my life, my friends, my family, my teachers, society "hey, I have been pursuing the most noble goals possible, and I have fucking succeeded. so fuck you for not trying to foster it and not trying to help me model it and having so much doubt and caution and lack of interest, aside from a few decent conversations." *You* do not have the ability to give me the security I need, only I can do this for myself. I will still talk to you about these things, if you can bring yourself to ask me about them. I don't hold grudges. in fact, you, like the mother turtle, have, by placing me in such a harsh environment in which to do my learning, have inspired everything, in a sense. and I love you for that. I basically had to fail out of school to figure this shit out. there was just no other way to write thousands and thousands of notebook pages on something not related to my required school work. don't be afraid to learn and to teach yourself, but do so more cautiously than I did. I'll be trying to wake society up. you should too. try to talk to the crazy people more. they'll give you a good perspective on your own sanity or lack thereof.
Love,
David Atlas

this girl (the last time I felt any remnant of good, clean love)

I have discovered that it is not that difficult to replace the motivation (strong electrical up signal) that comes from dominance desires at the base of love with pure rage. they are very close relatives, hormonally speaking.

theArsonist 11:18 pm (last night)
http://www.inquisitr.com/144267/scientists-say-emc2-might-be-wrong-say-neutrinos-are-faster-than-light/

 Anisha 10:26 am
    [Offline IM sent 11m ago] old news!

 theArsonist 10:38 am
    well that's a good conversation starter, smarty pants

 theArsonist 10:40 am
    why people are so resistant to think baffles me
    oh wait, no it doesn't :)

 Anisha 10:43 am
    are you calling me hardheaded

 theArsonist 10:43 am
    sometimes

 Anisha 10:43 am
    ok..

 theArsonist 10:43 am
    it's a natural and logical tendency
    I am too

 Anisha 10:43 am
    no i dont believe in anything

 theArsonist 10:44 am
    what does that mean?
    you and I are not real?

 theArsonist 10:45 am
    if you are a fish, then I, too, am a fish.

 Anisha 10:46 am
    bird

 theArsonist 10:46 am
    fishy fishy
    and if you're a bird, then I'm a bird.

 Anisha 10:47 am
    i haveto go

 theArsonist 10:47 am
    will I talk to you again?

 Anisha 10:48 am
    if you behave

 theArsonist 10:48 am
    I am behaving so well, you have no idea.

 Anisha 10:48 am
    never behave

 theArsonist 10:49 am
    in a sense
    but with you personally
    I am behaving unreasonably well
    and I will continue to do so

 Anisha 10:49 am
    why

 theArsonist 10:49 am
    because I care about you

 Anisha 10:49 am
    ok ill talk to you laters

 theArsonist 10:50 am
    ok I hope so

I never really liked the theory of evolution all that much. Not because I don't consider monkeys to be my god-damned blood brothers, but because natural selection is just too fucking convenient as the primary force of evolution. There is, I have felt for a long time now, a unifying energy-based logic to all animal behaviors. They are not simply “Evolved” behaviors, which have, through the power of randomness and pure survival (the yet unknown and mysterious drive of meiosis and differentiation), yielded extremely complex (and counter-intuituve) behavior-patterns (see the baby sea turtle problem below). They are not random in any way. The resulting battles between desire-formation machines (like the (at least) two symbiotes living inside each one of our heads), intent on understanding the nature of electicity (their own and that of the outside world (their food)), which is, of course, The powering force of every animal, within a closed environment (like a skull), yields life (animals, plants, bacteria, viri, maybe). I like to think of the animal as a giant bag of parasites, successfully (more or less) surviving off of one another and deceiving one another to do it (we even have mites, arachnids, that live in our eyelids) If you think about it, any two things forced to live in the same closed environment with a limited amount of resources, will, by the definition of life, compete for resources with one another. Life is made up of many little battles, and the two desire-formation machines living inside our skulls compete for dominance like any other two systems. the fact that they are so similar (virtually identical at birth) only makes the battle that more intense. Desires, formed by these desire-formation machines, are groups of sensory data, organized situationally, with key representational information about energy usage and potential energy gain. I always felt like more of a Lamarkian, personally. I could never explain it. Natural selection is pretty fucking defeatist, if you think about it. You are as you are, but your next generation, oh your next generation-- it will be the the best parts of you AND your fuck buddy, so fear not. BORING. I change every day, my friends. Sometimes, I swear I can feel my brain growing (and shrinking), and with it, powerful changes in my approach to obtaining energy, pure electricity, in the most efficient way--my genetic code. Am I crazy? You better fucking believe it, but I do the best I can to explore my utter lack of sanity in as scientifically sound a way as possible. I do hope you'll listen.
It wasn't that many years ago, when they thought that post-childhood, the brain grew no new cells. seriously, guys? (Now they're rethinking how much DNA changes throughout the lifetime of a person) That's almost as terribile as how we approached the problem of modeling intelligence. First step, of course, being-- ignore the obvious external structure of the brain. The brain, my friends, is in TWO GENERAL PARTS, which are split right down the middle all the way through. yes, there are many parts to those parts, but it is this double core structure, which yields the miracle of life, the great battle--why it is extremely difficult for all animals above insects fail local minima/maxima problems on their progression through the game of life and why this is so fucking hard and confusing to model without expressing more of your own intelligence than anything related to the robot. why we cannot yet model intelligence that is even close to that of an insect.

Baby Sea Turtle Problem

You are a fresh young hatchling, itching to live. you pierce through your soft and now largely devoid-of-nutrients shell and are immediately met with a facefull of fucking sand. I think most of you, would agree that turtles have fairly well developed pain sensors, nerves, and we all know that sand in your mucousy parts is not too enjoyable. So, on my journey to discover the main, unifying factors of life, I asked myself, given that this must be painful as fuck, the first push, let alone the 100th push, through all of your siblings; are we to assume that masochism, systemically illogical, self-destructive behavior, is programmed into these young reptiles and that is why they, being faced with a simple energy logic problem, that of general energy falling as a factor of time (as suggested by pain sensors in the stomach, the assumed reason for leaving the egg in the first place), and a powerful pain stimulus, sand, do not decide to consume as little of this dwindling energy as possible, by shutting off their sensors (closing their eyes), staying still, and essentially going to sleep? This would be a logical response to pain, which is usually defined as a feeling suggestive of cell death (illogical behavior extinction signal), but as you can see at many coastal points, even in the US, this is not the case. What is the basis of this powerful and illogical hope, which, in the face of a simple diminishing energy problem, uses all available resources, rather than conserving?

The answer to that question about masochism is that masochism is probably one of the strongest and most universal sources of inspiration in the animal kingdom (venus in furs style, baby)(think of aggression (increased cell-death) as a sort of masochism). This is the reason cutters cut--opiate release from induced mass cell death. Masochism, stressing the system, helps; and blocking that induced pain signal becomes a priority of some unknown system in order to maintain the illusion of homeostasis for continued high-level functioning (not dwelling on pain). We do have a very powerful recharge system, which in the presence of pain accumulated throughout the day, seeks to use as little energy as possible, shut off sensors, and go to sleep. It's our sleep system, and our seeking-safe-shelter-to-do-it system. This system has many other important functions, we can begin to think about. To better frame this confusing problem, another parable:

Let's say your girlfriend of two years dumps you and fucks some ugly oboe playing retard from her work (and she gets thrown out in the morning). you have no friends because all you really care about is safe sex, drugs, and odd electronic music that's pretty difficult to listen to, but the only successful therapy you can find. so, you decide to curl up on the carpet and die. how long is that going to last? 6 hours? 8? sooner or later, the pains in your stomach will get so bad, that you will inevitably walk over sulkily to the refrigerator and find all your favorite comfort foods. point- it is really hard to want to die.

saying that pain implies cell death gives a bit of an incomplete sense of what animals perceive, and more importantly don't perceive, as pain. cells die every time your heart beats. every breath fucks those pretty little grape-like lungbubbles of yours; and every movement you make and thought you think, smile you crack, and laugh you laugh encourages cell death in a very direct way. so, what determines what kinds of cell death we do and do not perceive?

how do we begin to model?

Think about each unit of life from the cell onward as an energy-maintenance-based desire-formation system (desires are situationally based action sets based on abilities). This means there are MANY “conscious” units, in that they have some general form of energy-utilizing/understanding desire, that likely make up what we think of as animals. In a way, we've been talking about this since Darwin, but not directly. We've always talked about our basic desire/instinct as reproduction (meiosis +differentiation), but seriously, that is the most mystical shit out there. Up there with how we try to “heal” cancer, and god. The notion that we are the hormone-crazed puppets of some unknown force, compelling us to fuck, which makes us miserable when we're not fucking who we think we should be fucking or not fucking fucking anyone at all; probably makes most a little uncomfortable, but that's essentially what science leaves our life-drive to. this is a lot of power we attribute to some unknown biological force, our motivation system.

When I say that the basic unit of life is that which contains desire, an energy-maintenance desire-formation system, I mean that it's NOT all about sex and that sex and reproduction is a by-product, merely a way of trying to understand the nature of our own energy in a way that doesn't kill us and can potentially aid us in numerous ways (and is a HIGHLY electrically active event, oddly enough, mentally and physically). I ask you, though-- As an animal father, a mere sperm donor among many possible sperm donors, what is to keep you from obtaining energy from little fleshy things that come out of your current female interest's abdomen (random tidbit-- daddy longleg rape battles are insane) in the most direct way-- by eating them? the answer is-- ynothing! it is completely logical to try to form strong desires around eating your children. take that metaphor as far as you want. haha... This is why ethical systems of old, our major religions, regardless of how much hate they have caused, were very useful in maintaining a working society long ago. It is logical to want to rape your daughter in order to get a better understanding of your own pleasure chamicals, which are kept in these crazy fucking puzzles (unrealistic/impossible desire-based hormone-puzzles cause depression/suicide), by this subconscious system that wants to reproduce so it can DOMINATE and understand the energy of this other elecrically-active creature, it has created; to which no one else has direct access (pretty fucked up). Ethics helps us realize that this person, unless you are planning to kill him or her after you do your deeds, must grow up and must understand their personal energy (the sexual aspects of it) for themselves, without the help of a parent. The continued functionability of this child becomes more of a priority than getting your rocks off, and this leads to something similar to what we have now, which is a system in which two parents (if possible) raise a small number of progeny, and protect them while these progeny figure out “love” for themselves, in safe, guarded environments. This is why I don't hate religions. I usually welcome conversations with very devout people, if they are simply willing to listen to my reasoning. This last part generally covers the problem of evil, a major topic of religion, and largely why it exists-- it is often very logical to do some very wrong things. This is why some female spiders have to do that dirty job of protecting their babies. with the introduction of aggression hormones to promote those crazy protective mom instincts we all know and love, from the male, along with half of his genetic code, she kills him. she ultimately gets to understand this set of energy. She wins this battle (mothers rarely, but sometimes eat their babies, in mice). based on environment and social structure, maintaining babies, teaching them your energy-getting ways, and reaping non-sexual benefits becomes more and more logical from an energy-logic perspective.

So we have arrived at love. First of all, Love is extremely fucking jealous and aggressive and parasitic in its pure, unethiciszed form. It, like all of our behaviors, as the hormonal basis for many of our bahaviors (though really all about dominance (and the rage associated with not having it/obtaining it)), is pure energy logic. It takes on a rather random form, given all the limits we put on understanding our own energy (getting our dicks wet, so to speak), but in its pure form, it is a rapist cannibal gravedancer.