“For me, trees have always been the most penetrating preachers. I revere them when they live in tribes and families, in forests and groves. And even more I revere them when they stand alone. They are like lonely persons. Not like hermits who have stolen away out of some weakness, but like great, solitary men, like Beethoven and Nietzsche. "
-separation from society
-embracing society of mind
-creative productivity against depression
-love of others after love of self through creative expression.
-model of self to truly love self.
"A tree says: A kernel is hidden in me, a spark, a thought, I am life from eternal life. The attempt and the risk that the eternal mother took with me is unique, unique the form and veins of my skin, unique the smallest play of leaves in my branches and the smallest scar on my bark. I was made to form and reveal the eternal in my smallest special detail. "
-thought as internally motivated entropic force.
"A tree says: My strength is trust. I know nothing about my fathers, I know nothing about the thousand children that every year spring out of me. I live out the secret of my seed to the very end, and I care for nothing else. I trust that God is in me. I trust that my labor is holy. Out of this trust I live."
-illogic of hope/love in entropic environment.
"When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts. Let God speak within you, and your thoughts will grow silent. You are anxious because your path leads away from mother and home. But every step and every day lead you back again to the mother. Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all."
"every step is death, every grave is mother"
1. I've known I've needed to solve the problem of how to model animal motivation since sophomore year of college. Thousands of notebook pages, which have led to this, have been compulsively scribbled in the name of this problem. this, to me, is the deepest philosophical question we have, and I was not going to rest until I figured out how to model it. Now, as I lose faith in our planet's (or solar system's) ability or continued desire to give life, I have a motivator. we need strong intelligence for space-sustainability and we need to at least be able to get tons of people to live comfortably off this planet. otherwise, we have no safety buffer in a highly unpredictable environment-- simply stupid, given our current technological abilities.
2.making fucked up electronic music out of songs that I find beautiful and/or have significance in my life will always be a necessary therapy for me. getting praise for them became a motivating factor, a success feedback signal for my hard work.
I have since created hundreds of my weird little therapeutic songs, which have gotten various amounts of (necessary and helpful for self image) praise from a very nice experimental music forum, soundcloud.com. without this, I'd be a fuckin suicide case, no doubt. and it is this bolstering of self image, this becoming my own god, and being able to decide whole-heartedly whether or not I am dominant in ANY situation, whether deserved or not, which allowed me to figure out my main desire, modeling the powerful animal motivation system. I have given you all the basic info that got me here and I ask you to start while I continue to finish up my hambot model; which I know, now for certain, is mathematically modelable through the java programming language (or any programming language). I have solved the problem of modelling pain and thus the resulting energy logic (illogic). I have figured out the first step toward strong AI-- I am on the way to becoming the only definition of a god that works for me--something which has created something worth dominating-- and that makes me really happy. I don't need people in my life who can't have crazy conversations about this shit. this is the stuff of life and of thought. perhaps my little "social experiment" for the past year or so, has made that clear.
As an avid tree climber, I have earned the right to suggest you take a hint from Hesse and I, that you need to get outside more. get inspiration from nature and all of the little energy-based desire-forming systems like you; and never be afraid to answer the big questions. the answers are all in your head.
I absolutely recommend that you become your own god, but do so in a way that is ethically sound, mindful of our elders, and in pursuit of good creative love. I know I'll be looking.
also-- what I know you're thinking (I hope)--
fuck yeah I'm insecure. I've had esentially no one with whom to talk about this shit, the greatest questions in the world, my passion. no support. this whole "social experiment" bullshit was just an excuse to tell everyone in my life, my friends, my family, my teachers, society "hey, I have been pursuing the most noble goals possible, and I have fucking succeeded. so fuck you for not trying to foster it and not trying to help me model it and having so much doubt and caution and lack of interest, aside from a few decent conversations." *You* do not have the ability to give me the security I need, only I can do this for myself. I will still talk to you about these things, if you can bring yourself to ask me about them. I don't hold grudges. in fact, you, like the mother turtle, have, by placing me in such a harsh environment in which to do my learning, have inspired everything, in a sense. and I love you for that. I basically had to fail out of school to figure this shit out. there was just no other way to write thousands and thousands of notebook pages on something not related to my required school work. don't be afraid to learn and to teach yourself, but do so more cautiously than I did. I'll be trying to wake society up. you should too. try to talk to the crazy people more. they'll give you a good perspective on your own sanity or lack thereof.